He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He passed out mid-signature
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
