Will you blow on my dice?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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