Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
