Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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