I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
