She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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