i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
