can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
