i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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