I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
