It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
