I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
