saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
