My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
