I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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