When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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