Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
