He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
