I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
