Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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