How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
