How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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