Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
