my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
