I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Found your dick twin last night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
