I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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