I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
