I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
