who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
