ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
