i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
