I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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