I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
