His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i will never coherently bang her
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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