Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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