I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was born a porn star she said
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
