I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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