When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
