Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
