i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
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We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
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Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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