Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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