The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
