when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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