i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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