so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
