i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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