You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
as a side note pls kill me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
