im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Farmville is her only friend.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
