the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
