I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
