got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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