I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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