I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
