who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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