I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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