Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
