You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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