I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
