either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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