I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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