Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
