Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
