i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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