we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
