I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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