I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
