I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
how do you play pong handcuffed?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
